A VOYAGE TO MARRIAGE; FRIENSHIP

Today, marriage has different definitions but according to the English Dictionary, "Marriage is the union of two or more people that creates a family tie and carries legal, social, and/or religious rights and responsibilities. In Nigeria, just as we have in other places, over 2 million couples say "I do" each year. Hope and expectations are high during and after the ceremony. Every couple anticipates living happily ever after. Tragically, the high rate of divorce and domestic violence between married couples are alarming. Studies show that highest percentage of divorce occurs within the first 7 years of marriage. These are the result of lack of preparation for marriage and failure to acquire skills and knowledge necessary for the advancement of relationships. We spend more resources on other area of our life while neglecting this important aspect of our lives. Especially the guy's while the female folks do seek resources for marriage sometimes.

 Most times couples pay far more attention to the wedding plans than making plans for the marriage itself- an event that will last for a life time. There is no need rushing into marriage with little or no preparation. Let's talk about what you need to know before marriage. Let's talk about friendship, compatibility, personality traits, common values, communication, emotional control, social interest, spiritual unity, intimacy, intellectual dialogue, etc. It would be of great importance if you are single, in a relationship or not currently involved in a dating relationship, as it would give you a more realistic idea of what needs to be considered before making a decision to get married. 

 FRIENDSHIP

  “I want a woman, I want a lover, I want a friend’ sang Jackie Wilson in a 1959 rhythm and blues classic, naming in simple terms the multiple relationships of husband and wife. As simple as this statement or desire is, it is one of the most success a man can acquire cause ‘he who finds a wife finds a good thing’. Although ‘I want a friend’ was the last thing he said but you’d agree with me that’s the first and most important stage to getting a lover and making her your wife. Friendship is and should be the first stage to actually getting in a more serious relationship, you’ll know why after reading the 5 stages of friendship I’m about to show you. 

  Most times when a guy asks a lady out  and her reply is ”Let’s just be friends”, this is could be heartbreaking for the guy, but he doesn’t know it’s actually a way of building a stronger foundation, so relax bro and enjoy the ‘friendship’ ride – but know that not all ‘friendships leads to a romantic relationship, some would end up being platonic. However it would be of great value to you if you know the 5 stages of friendship and the one you currently are in with your friend and/or ‘potential’ spouse.

  

  THE 5 STAGES OF FRIENDSHIP

1. Stranger (I Don’t Know You): This is the first stage of friendship; this is the part when you’re just meeting him. This stage you guys have no knowledge of each other and the birth and progression of friendship is dependent on this  stage.

2. Acquaintance (I Know of You): This is a progression of the ‘stranger’ stage as this time you guys have had interactions occasionally and you now have a general knowledge of him, his name, department or where she works. This is as a result of the occasional ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ encounter you guys have had – remember that stranger you met in the bar that approached you and had a little conversation with you, he was a stranger at first right, but now you he’s name is Vincent and he’s the CEO of VinccyREX World – so he’s now an acquaintance. Know that an associate or business partner can also fall in this stage.

3. Casual Friend (I Know You): In this stage you guys have had several interactions and thus know more about each other, the bonding factor is as a result of common interests and activities, you now  know of his achievements and she knows of your album. This is where you get to know that Vincent is also a poet and he loves cars, and he gets to know that you once were into ‘Dog walking’ cause you love dogs so much.

 This is where both persons praise and support the other formally, however there’s no emotional investment in the friendship yet, it is merely an introduction to the person ‘behind the mask’.

4. Close Friend (I Understand You): This is the stage where commitments comes in cause there’s now personal investments and emotional investments. Because of the level of investment close friends have, they’ve shared more information about themselves, knowing about families, other friends and intimate life.

  This is also the stage where you guys help each other accomplish life goals, therefore emotional attachment begins to grow as you guys connect to each other’s mind and spirit because of the experiences you both have had together. This is where you get to know Vincent at his best and worst moments and this is where choices are made, if you would stay regardless or skidoo after knowing ‘yours truly’ truly.

5. Intimate Friend (Connected Soul to Soul): This is the last and relatively the hardest stage of friendship, but trust me it’s also the most enjoyable cause you guys are connected soul to soul after so many shared experiences – good and bad, and also going through phases of vulnerability – which is the propeller of this friendship.

 At this level Vincent has shared his deepest secrets, which maybe fears and insecurities and also future desires, plans, aspirations and expectation with you and vice versa, thus you guys are committed to the development of each other’s character as people and thus can be regarded as ‘True friends’ cause you truly understand each other.  This is why Aristotle said “friendship is one soul occupying two bodies”. 

  It is at this stage a friendship (between the opposite sex) can move to the next level after going through all phrases successfully.

  So having explained these stages of friendship, you’d see that passing through all these stages essentially before going into an ‘actual’ relationship would save the both of you stress of having to know each other while dating – when you’ve supposed to be planning the future as a result of the knowledge of each other.

 When one dives into a romantic relationship without first grooming the friendship, there tends to be change in one of, or both persons involved cause the relationship wasn’t built on a strong foundation of ‘know, like, and trust’ factor, but only on impressing the other to get more points.

   Friendship opens the door to knowing each other for who they are, and there’s thus room for openness and ‘sincere’ expression in the ‘getting to know’ part, but if the ‘getting to know’ part is in-between the dating period, there are chances for hypocrisy, cause you guys are only knowing yourselves to see if he/she fits into your box and would most likely camouflage to fit in for the other person. So the importance of friendship cannot be overemphasized.

  So  to the brothers and sisters, next time you get the reply “let’s just be friends” don’t fret, it’s for the betterment of both of you and could be the start of something sweet and if not, you still have your friendship to enjoy – see, nothing to lose.

  And that’s it for this week, remember that ‘Knowledge is only potential power until it is organized into practical plans of action and directed into a definite goal’, so knowing this is not enough but doing it essentially is what matters, so ‘do something productive with your knowledge’.

                                                                                                                                                  

Orji David X Sheriff Suleman

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You can also read inspiring posts like this by visiting; https://vinccyrex.blogspot.com - it's a blog site that belongs to the co-author of this series, Sheriff Suleman