When you’re the leader, it is only natural that all eyes are on you. You’re out in front, setting the direction, and making sure results are achieved. It is expected that everyone supports, honour, love and follow your leadership but it is not always that way. People are different and possibly some woves in sheep clothing and immature people would be among your flocks. Surprisingly, some of your predecessors and even those you consider matured would also be part of the game. They had sow seeds of discord among your folds, spread rumours of destruction and lies to demoralise your leadership or frustrate your efforts in achieving your collective goals. It can happen to even the most confident and competent leaders. For a leader, this can be a disheartening and terrifying experience, but it is not irreparable.
The Bible tells us about David - a young shepherd boy who grew up to become the great King of Israel. His ascension to the throne was not without difficulties. Shortly after he was anointed by the prophet Samuel, David fell out of favour with the establishment and had to flee for his life.
First Samuel 30 verses 6 says "David was now in great danger because all his men were very bitter about losing their sons and daughters, and they began to talk of stoning him. But David found strength in the LORD his God." All was lost. At this point, David had nothing more to support him. No one in Israel could help him. The Philistines didn’t want him. His family was gone; all he owned was gone. Even his friends turned against him (the people spoke of stoning him). Every support was gone, except the LORD. The same people he fought for were "bitter". Their sorrow as is often the case with those in distress, from grief they turned to anger, and sought relief for their feelings by venting their rage upon the innocent David. David strengthened himself in the LORD his God: this should be the posture of every leader going through this phase in leadership. It took a lot to bring David to this place, but now he is here – God is his only strength.
Scriptures says that David strengthened himself in the LORD his God. This wasn’t some kind of rah-rah cheerleader kind of positive thinking mumbo jumbo. This was the strength of the living God making itself real in the life and heart of a hurting man. This was strength for recognition, strength for brokenness, strength for repentance, strength for determination to win back what the enemy has stolen.
Even Moses in Exodus 17:4 cried out to the LORD, “What shall I do with this people? They are almost ready to stone me.” At this time, you need to Wait (hope) for the Lord; be strong (be brave and of good courage) and take heart (let your heart be stout and enduring) and wait for the Lord (Psalms 27:14). Be strong, not cry!
If you’re elected newly as a leader, you probably feel a burning desire to be liked and accepted by everyone. It’s human nature. You want to win people’s approval, keep them happy, and demonstrate all the desirable attributes of a great leader. Even so, as the person in charge, almost everything you do will have the potential to trigger conflict. Most of these tasks will involve some form of conflict, and none of them will go hand in hand with being liked. If you’re not comfortable with that, you’ll struggle to do your work well and gain the respect of others.
The truth is leadership could be hard. As leaders, we constantly risk not being loved by the masses. It’s one of the most difficult psychological barriers to overcome, but ultimately, your duty is to deliver results. This means you have to make decisions that not everyone is going to like and you can only do that if you get comfortable with conflict.
Leadership is inherently difficult because it requires a leader to take people where they don’t naturally want to go. One person wants to go this way. Another wants to go another way. So the leader is left with the choice of focusing on either leading people, or on being liked and instinctively trying to please the people they're leading. Pleasing people would lead you to confusion and soon, you’re bending over backwards to make everyone happy, which of course means that in the end, you will end up making no one happy, including yourself. If you focus on being liked, you won’t lead. You will never have the courage to do what needs to be done. This doesn't mean you should be callous, but embrace characteristics like mercy, kindness, forgiveness, grace and humilty, in leading them where they would not naturally want to go. There might not be an immediate pay back but continue. It will hurt, but in the end, your character will win out. Usually, if the change is a good one, people will ultimately see it was a good move. And they will eventually be thankful for it and often for you.
Sometimes, even if the change is good, there will be a few who never thank you and still don’t like you. That’s okay, because you took the high road. You can look in the mirror with some satisfaction knowing you did all that you could and did it with all integrity. You fought the good fight. God sees what people don’t. And sometimes, that’s enough. So do the things that make someone likeable without worrying whether people will like you. You will lead better.
You will have to withstand seasons of being misunderstood. Effective leaders are prepared to be misunderstood. There will be seasons in leadership in which you will be misunderstood. Your motives, strategy and skill will be questioned. It happened to Moses. It happened to Jesus. It happened to Paul. It will happen to you if you’re leading.
Leadership is a little like parenting. You do things your kids dislike because it’s good for them. And in leadership, you lead people through seasons they don’t want to go through because in the end, it’s good for them. And if it’s good for them, most of them will thank you in the end. Your job is to get them to the point where they benefit from the change. Which is why you need to learn to endure being misunderstood when the misunderstanding arises from a legitimate change that, in the end, moves the mission and the organisation to a better place.
In my experience in Spiritual leadership and as a corporate executive in a number of different organisations, I’ve had the opportunity to coach and mentor young leaders many of whom were able to overcome conflict aversion to become stronger, and more confident leaders.
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